


We need each other

by elemenope27



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:53:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26755369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elemenope27/pseuds/elemenope27
Summary: Two months after the end of the Korean war, Trapper decides to visit Hawkeye in Crabapple Cove. How are the two surgeons coping after the war? Can they restore their friendship?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	We need each other

"So, what do you think, John?" 

Dr Jake Thompson asked his colleague, Dr John McIntyre - known to his closest friends as Trapper - after they left the meeting. Their new boss, a tall, balding, strict-looking man called Winchester had just been introduced to the staff. He was the kind of guy that Trapper would have made fun of in the past; his first impression was that Winchester was pompous, arrogant and his way of speaking much too eloquent. Trapper, however, was not in the mood to make fun of anyone today - actually, he hasn't been in the mood to make fun of anything lately. His current life was too miserable to have fun, but not miserable enough to escape it by having fun, as he had done years ago in Korea. Besides, although the new head of thoracic surgery did not reveal this himself, Trapper had heard from another colleague that Winchester had served in Korea, and this fact alone made him feel some sort of sympathy towards the man. 

"I think he's gonna be OK" shrugged Trapper. 

"He seems to be too aristocratic for my liking" said Jake, making a face. 

"As long as he's a good surgeon and lets us work in peace, I don't care" said Trapper, heading for his locker. 

"Going home?" Jake asked. 

"Where should I go after a double shift? Volunteer for a third one?"

"Okay, easy, buddy. Just asked."

"Sorry... I'm not in the best mood today" admitted Trapper.

"Or yesterday, or before that... why don't you take a few days off?"

"'Cause when I'm not at work, my mood is even worse. At least here I can feel useful."

"I see. Well, get some rest, John, and see you tomorrow."

"Have an easy shift, Jake. See you."

He liked Jake, but they weren't close enough to talk about personal problems. Jake knew about Korea, he knew about the divorce, but they never talked about it. They talked about their work, food and sports. "Maybe I should open up to him" thought Trapper as he was walking home. 

It was late in the evening, but the busy city's streets were still crowded. Trapper passed several bars, but he successfully resisted the temptation to enter any of them. He arrived home late, but he didn't mind; he had nothing to do except eating his dinner, reading some medical papers and going to bed. 

He was exhausted after pulling a double shift, but, as it's been usual recently, he had a hard time falling asleep. He thought of Korea and how he used to fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow on that lousy, uncomfortable cot. Life was miserable there, but he knew it was temporary, he knew there was a family waiting for him at home. Louise and the girls. Now, they were not waiting for him anymore. They lived in another district of Boston with a guy called Michael. Based on what his daughters had told him about Michael, he seemed to be OK, but Trapper hated him anyway. He was terrified that the girls would think of Michael as their dad, instead of him. Trapper adored his daughters and his daughters still adored him, thankfully, but they only met at the weekends, and not even every weekend. 

Trapper lay awake in his bed and wondered, like he so often did, if he did the right thing when he told his wife about those nurses in Korea. Maybe he could have kept it a secret. That had been the plan, after all - in Korea, thousands of miles away from home, those affairs didn't seem to matter. Trapper had sex because he needed sex, but there wasn't any emotion in it, so it didn't count, he told himself. He loved Louise and he would come back to her and they would continue their life together. Louise didn't have to know about anything. That was the idea, but reality turned out to be something completely different. The first few days after his return were like heaven. Louise and the girls were ecstatic to see him. They were hugging and kissing all day, the girls fell asleep cuddling to him, and he and Louise made love every night. After three or four days, however, the joy of the reunion started to fade because Trapper began to feel increasingly guilty. He was thinking about all those nurses he slept with in Korea. When he looked at Louise, all he could think of was that he had cheated on her, several times over that terrible year. Can their marriage really go on like this? Does Trapper have to live with this secret guilt forever? After another few days, he couldn't cope with it anymore and told her everything. He didn't expect his wife to forgive him, he suspected his marriage was over, but he had to tell her. Louise moved away with the kids the next week, and a few months later they were officially divorced. 

Trapper finally fell into a restless sleep and once again, he was dreaming about Korea. It's been two years since his discharge, but he still had nightmares about it. This time, it was Radar who got killed in a heavy bombing. He woke up covered in sweat and it took him a few seconds to realize where he was. First, he felt relief; it was just a dream, Radar did not get killed. Then he came to the painful realization that he had no idea if Radar was still alive; he hadn't been keeping in touch with anyone from the 4077. He got up, took a shower and started to think about his day ahead. He felt better in the mornings, because he had his job to look forward to, instead of a lonely night. At the hospital, he had no time to dwell on the past; he had to concentrate and give his best as one of the hospital's top surgeons. He was a terrible husband and a lousy friend, but at least he was still a great doctor. 

A few weeks passed and Trapper came to know Charles Winchester as an arrogant, reserved, moody, but competent and fair boss. It soon turned out that if you respected him, he respected you, and if you did a good job, he was not interfering much with your work. That was enough for Trapper. He knew Winchester would probably never be his friend, but they could have a good working relationship. 

One morning, an ambulance rushed to the hospital with patients wounded in a car crash. The paramedic who came with them was an old acquaintance of Trapper; they had gone to college together. 

"Good luck and see you, Trapper" said the paramedic, who knew the surgeon by his old nickname, as he handed over the patients and rushed back to the ambulance. 

Winchester was standing next to Trapper and seemed to be taken aback by what he had just heard, but there was no time to say anything now; one of the patients needed emergency surgery. A few hours later, as they were exiting the O.R., Winchester turned to his colleague. 

"Trapper? Is that what the paramedic called you, McIntyre?"

"That's just a nickname from college. Some old friends still call me like that, but don't worry, you don't have to."

"Old friends like... like Hawkeye Pierce?"

Trapper was so shocked to hear the name that it didn't even register at first. He and Winchester were staring at each other. Did he really say Hawkeye? That Hawkeye? But who else could it be? Benjamin Franklin Pierce. Hawkeye. His former colleague, bunkmate, partner in crime, and, most importantly, the best friend he'd ever had. 

"You... you know Hawkeye? From where?" he asked, almost whispering. 

"MASH 4077" was all Winchester said, and he didn't need to say more. 

Trapper felt tears gathering in his eyes. He tried to hold them back, he wanted to ask a thousand questions, but he was unable to talk. 

"He mentioned the name Trapper a few times. So when I heard that man call you like that, I figured it could be you."

"How is he? Did he get home safely from the war?" Trapper was finally able to talk again. 

"We have not been in touch since we left Korea two months ago, but I can assure you that when I last saw him, I found him to be in satisfactory physical shape. As far as I know, he was transferred stateside the same day, but our routes were different."

Trapper was so relieved to hear Hawkeye was alive and well that he didn't even care when he noticed the tears flowing down on his face. Here he was, Trapper, the guy who hardly ever cried in front of anyone, tearing up before the eyes of his new boss. But at that moment, he didn't care. 

"Charles... could we have a talk?"

"I don't have much time, McIntyre, and to be honest with you, I prefer not to talk about Korea."

"Me too, but I need to know some things. About the people I served with. Please."

Winchester looked at Trapper's tearful face for a long moment, then nodded slightly. 

"Let us go to my office, but please note that I really do not have much time." 

The Chief Surgeon offered him a seat in his office and Trapper started asking questions as soon as they sat down. 

"First of all, did everyone make it out alive out of the war? I mean from the 4077?"

"Well, I don't know which of these people you knew or didn't know, but the man who was the commanding officer before I arrived there, Colonel Henry Blake, was killed on his way to the States."

Trapper nodded. After two years, remembering Henry's fate was still a punch in the gut. 

"Yes, I knew Henry. He was a friend. He died shortly before I left."

"The other casualty was a nurse, Millicent Carpenter, who stepped on a landmine. I'm not sure she was around when you were there."

"Oh, that's horrible. I didn't know her."

"I don't know about any other fatalities among members of the 4077. There were injuries, but none of them too serious." 

Trapper felt a huge wave of relief. "So, who did you serve with, apart from Hawkeye? Margaret Houlihan? Radar? Frank Burns?"

"Margaret, yes. She stayed until the end. I'm not sure if you knew her husband, but they got divorced shortly after I arrived."

"She was married? To Frank Burns?"

"No, to some colonel named Penobscott. As for Burns, I was actually sent to the 4077 because he had been transferred stateside."

"Wow. Seems I missed out on a few things" Trapper let out a little laugh. "Radar? Klinger? Father Mulcahy?"

"I knew them all" Charles nodded. "Corporal O'Reilly left a few months earlier than the rest of us, he was discharged after a death in his family. Father Mulcahy and Klinger stayed until the end - actually, Klinger is probably still in Korea."

"What? Klinger? What is he doing there?"

"He married a Korean lady and they are searching for her family. But McIntyre, I really need to leave right now."

"Oh boy. Well, I am really grateful for your time, Charles" Trapper said, standing up. "It means a huge deal to me to know they are well. Especially Hawkeye. I was worried about him, he had always been a bit... fragile, you know?"

Charles didn't say anything for a few moments, but then, just as Trapper was about to open the door and leave, he started talking in a low voice.

"About Pierce... I have told you he was in a satisfactory physical condition when I last saw him. Well, there is a reason I emphasized the word physical."

"What do you mean?" Trapper asked, puzzled. 

"Mentally, he was not in the best shape by the end of the war. In fact, he spent some time in a mental hospital after a nervous breakdown, but was released a few days before the ceasefire."

"Oh God" whispered Trapper. 

He was not really surprised; Hawkeye had already started to show some signs of a breakdown when he was there. But he was numbed now by a new wave of guilt. He should have kept in touch. 

"You really don't know anything about him now? Is he in a safe place?"

"I would guess he went back to Maine, to his father, but I don't know anything else. As I said, I don't intend to keep in touch with anyone, I do not want to be reminded of the war. I would prefer if, in the future, we didn't talk about it either, McIntyre."

Trapper nodded. "I fully understand, I haven't really talked about it to anyone for 2 years. Thank you very much for this talk, Charles. I appreciate it."

Charles nodded but didn't say anything else, and Trapper left his office to head home. As he was walking home, he was overwhelmed with the widest range of emotions. Relief, anger, worry, happiness, sadness, guilt, nostalgia, fear... his feelings were all mixed up and he couldn't think clearly. They were alive. Hawkeye was alive. Hawkeye had a breakdown. Hawkeye in a mental hospital... He just couldn't bear the thought. The worst thing was that Charles didn't know anything about what happened to Hawkeye in the last two months. How is he doing now? Can he cope with the memories? Was he cured in that hospital, or just released because the war ended? Is he still struggling? If so, is he getting any help? Trapper was trying very hard not to think about an article he had read a few days ago; the article was discussing the high number of suicides among men who came back from war and couldn't find their place in the civilian world. 

It wasn't long until Trapper made up his mind. He had to visit Hawkeye. He had already let this friendship slip away once - he had no idea if it was still possible to restore it, but he couldn't just do nothing when Hawkeye was only a few hours of drive away and struggling. He didn't know how he could help him, but he wanted to help him and the first step was meeting him. First, he wondered how he could find Hawkeye if he didn't know his exact address, nor a phone number, nor a workplace - but then he remembered that Crabapple Cove was a really small place with only a few thousand people, and most likely the majority of them would knew Hawkeye and his father, who was, according to his son, a beloved doctor in the area. 

He asked Charles when he could take a few days off, and he was granted three days the following week. All through the week, his mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts. Will he find Hawkeye in Crabapple Cove? Will Hawkeye even want to see him? What if he is not willing to talk to him? If he is, what should he say to him? Trapper had never been good at heart-to-heart talks, and right now, he was in a messy state of mind himself. How could he help Hawkeye if he needed help himself? 

Finally, the day came. Trapper rented a car and drove to Crabapple Cove. The drive took just a little more than 2 hours; he had been this close to Hawkeye for two months and he hadn't even known it. His plan had been to go to a local store to ask where he can find the house of the Pierce family, but finding Hawkeye proved to be even easier than that. 

Just as he started walking in the little town's main street, he saw a man enter a bar on the other side of the road. He only saw him from behind and for a moment, but he still recognized him immediately. Trapper was just standing there on the street, not knowing what to do. Now that he was this close to talking to Hawkeye again, he felt increasingly anxious. At the same time, he was also relieved; Hawkeye was still alive and functioning. He decided it would be easier to meet Hawkeye in the bar than go up to his father's house, so he took a deep breath and entered the bar. 

It was 1 pm, so the bar was almost empty. Apart from Hawkeye and the bartender, he couldn't see anyone. Hawkeye was sitting on a stool by the counter, his back to the door, so he couldn't see Trapper enter. Trapper took another deep breath and sat down on a stool next to the other surgeon. Hawkeye looked up from his glass and Trapper could see he was gobsmacked. For a few seconds, none of them uttered a word, they were just staring at each other. Hawkeye looked older, much older than Trapper had remembered. His black hair was turning grey, he was thinner and had deep wrinkles in some parts of his face. But he was still Hawkeye, and there they were, sitting next to each other in a bar again. The bartender asked what he wanted and he ordered a coke. 

"Trapper" it was Hawkeye who finally spoke. 

"Hawkeye" Trapper answered with a hoarse voice. 

Another seconds of silence followed, then Hawkeye asked, not looking at his former bunkmate. 

"What are you doing here?"

"I just... just came to check if you were OK."

"Came to check if I was OK?" Hawkeye repeated, now looking at Trapper with a surprised expression. 

"Yeah. You know, after the war and everything." 

Hawkeye didn't answer immediately, and for Trapper the awkward silence seemed to go on forever. Then finally, Hawkeye spoke with a sad and low voice. 

"Why do you care now if you didn't care for two bloody years?" 

Trapper had anticipated Hawkeye's anger, but it still hurt.

"I cared", this was all Trapper could utter. 

Hawkeye started laughing, a sad, bitter laugh. 

"Sure you did. That's why you didn't even bother to say goodbye to me and didn't write a single letter in 2 years." 

Trapper was searching for the right words. He knew he owed Hawkeye an explanation, and he had been trying to formulate his thoughts ever since he decided to travel to Crabapple Cove, but all he managed now was a simple "Sorry." 

"Sorry? You are sorry? Well, you should be, and don't expect me to forget all about it just because you, for whatever reason, have decided to pay me a visit now" Hawkeye was getting really angry now, and Trapper noticed the bartender had gone away to the back room of the bar, leaving them in privacy. "I thought we were friends, Trapper. For God's sake, I thought you were the best friend I'd ever had! Did you know how much you meant to me? Did you know how much I leaned on our friendship to stay sane? Did you know how much I would have needed your friendship after Henry died? No, you obviously didn't, because I came back from Tokyo and where were you? Disappeared without a trace, without a single word of goodbye, without a lousy little note or anything. At first I thought, oh well, he would surely write me a letter from the States. But the letter never arrived. Then I thought 'he would give me a call some day'. But nothing. Damn it, Trapper, even Frank called to say goodbye when he left! Now you tell me you cared, but for all you cared, I could have been killed a week after your departure and you'd never know about it. Well, I guess you were just too busy living your perfect little life with your family and working normal shifts in a normal hospital."

The last two sentences were like a punch in the face for Trapper, and they triggered an anger that opened the floodgates; he finally started talking, pouring out all the emotions that he had been keeping inside for a long time. 

"Firstly, my perfect little life now consists of living alone in a small apartment and only being able to see my daughters at the weekends - unless I have to work, or my ex-wife takes them elsewhere, both of which happen quite often" he said. "And as for the possibility of you being killed and me not knowing about it; well, that was the exact reason why I hadn't contacted you, Hawk."

"What are you talking about?" asked Hawkeye, confused.

"I had planned to write after getting home. But when I got home, all I heard and read was how the war had intensified in Korea, how there were more casualties than ever, and how the North Koreans started to attack aid stations and hospitals, too... The week after I got home, there was an article about two doctors who were killed when a MASH unit was bombed. I knew it could have happened to the 4077 too, and I just couldn't bear the thought, Hawk... I was afraid that if I had sent you a letter, I would have got it back with the marking "Deceased". So I decided I didn't want to know about it. I wanted you, and the others, to remain in my memory as I had last seen you - alive. I know it sounds stupid now, but I was confused and Henry had just been killed, and I just wanted to ignore the possibility that it can happen to you, too. So I decided not to contact you, Hawk, because this way I wouldn't be notified of your death and could always think of you being well and alive. I guess I was just a coward, trying not to face reality. Then Louise moved away with the kids and I started drinking, harder than I had ever done, even including Korea... but anyway, I don't want to make excuses, I know I messed this up, I know I should have written, but please don't say I didn't care, because I did... and I still do."

By the time Trapper finished his rant, his voice was cracking from the emotion, and then he started sobbing uncontrollably, his face buried in his hands. Hawkeye was looking at Trapper in silence, with a mixed expression of confusion and astonishment. He had never seen Trapper sob like this before. He did shed some tears in Korea, like the night after Henry was killed, or when he was drunk and missing his family, but letting out his emotions like this was so unlike Trapper that Hawkeye just didn't know how to react. 

"I'm sorry about your family" he finally said quietly. 

Trapper didn't react, but his crying was becoming less intense. It was Hawkeye again who talked. 

"You are drinking coke now..." he pointed at Trapper's glass. 

It took another minute before Trapper was calm enough to answer. 

"The day Louise filed for divorce, I went to a pub and started drinking all alone. I totally lost control and woke up in a hospital bed with alcohol poisoning. A random guy had found me in the morning, lying unconscious in the street" he spoke, wiping his tears away, not looking at Hawkeye. "Of course, the hospital notified Louise and she told me I could not see the girls unless I underwent therapy. The thought of losing my daughters scared me, so I started therapy the next week. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since then."

"That's great, that's really great" said Hawkeye, his voice now much friendlier. He was staring at his own glass of Martini. "It must have been difficult."

"It becomes much easier after the first few weeks, especially if you have a strong motivation" explained Trapper, and Hawkeye nodded. 

Another minute of silence followed. 

"I could have written to you, too" said Hawkeye suddenly. 

Now, it was Trapper's turn to look at him, surprised. 

"All this time I was angry with you for not saying goodbye, but... did I say goodbye to you? No, I didn't" he continued. "And I just assumed everything turned out great for you just because you got that discharge. It... it never occured to me that you could be struggling, too."

"Well, there's no way you could have known that" said Trapper. "And even if you had wanted to write me, I didn't leave you my address."

"You really think Radar wouldn't have been able to find out?" Hawkeye asked, and he was smiling. 

That was the first real smile Trapper saw on his face since he entered the bar. He started to hope that he did not make this visit in vain.

"Anyway, as I said... I came to see how you've been, and so far we've only talked about me. How are you doing, Hawkeye?" he asked seriously. 

"Why do I have the feeling that someone has said something to you? About me?"

"Well... Charles Winchester is my new boss at Boston Mercy."

"Oh, Charles" Hawkeye was smiling again. "It's a small world, isn't it? My two former bunkies ending up at the same workplace in the US. Is he giving you a hard time?"

"No, he's OK. Not really my style, but OK."

"So I guess he told you I ended up in a looney bin." 

They were on topic now, Trapper thought. 

"He didn't use those words... and you shouldn't either. But yes, he told me, and I've been worried about you. How are you doing now?" he asked again. 

"Well... I've been better, of course, but I think that's not surprising after spending 3 years in that place. I have nightmares, and the worst memories keep coming back to my mind, sometimes unexpectedly in the middle of the day. I've seen things that nobody should ever see, and towards the end there was one incident that was just too much, so... yeah, I lost it" he admitted. "But Sidney was great, so I'm better now. I think I'll cope, I just need time. I haven't started working yet, I need some time doing nothing, but I will look for a job soon." 

"Do you keep in touch with Sidney, or someone else?" 

"You mean some other psychiatrist? No. Sidney told me to visit one of his colleagues who actually has a practice in Boston, but I'm not sure I'll ever go. On the other hand, Sidney says I should talk to someone about Korea, but I'm not sure who I could talk to. Sure, I have my father, but he's been so worried about me for years, I don't want him to worry even more. And I don't really have any close friends here, they all moved away or just stopped caring. Anyway, even if I talked to someone about my experiences, they'd never understood it if they weren't in Korea themselves."

"Don't you keep in touch with anyone from the 4077?"

"The guy that came after you, BJ Hunnicut... he's a great guy, we became close friends. He helped me a lot In Korea, and we've exchanged a couple of letters since we got home. But he lives in California, you know, so we only have the letters to keep in touch, and it's not the same. And he's got a young family; he's just getting to know his 2-year-old little girl. His letters are full of joy and I can tell he's having a great time with his family, rebuilding their life together. I don't want to ruin his mood with my depressing letters, so I don't write him about my dark thoughts. I'm sure he would try to help, but I don't want him to think that it's his responsibility. And our lives are so, so different now... I'm not sure how long we can even maintain the relationship."

Trapper nodded. 

"Well..." he said cautiously. "I think I also need someone to talk to. I haven't really talked to anyone about the war for 2 years, and yeah... the nightmares, the memories... they don't seem to go away." 

"You are trying to say this isn't the last time you wanna meet me?" asked Hawkeye.

"Well, if you don't mind... if you can forgive me, we could be friends again, don't you think? I think... I guess we need each other." 

Hawkeye was now grinning. 

"How could I refuse such an offer from a cute blond like you?"

Trapper was relieved; the old Hawkeye was still there. 

"However, I agree with Sidney, you should see that psychiatrist. I can be your friend, but I cannot be a professional therapist" he said. 

"I don't know. I trusted Sidney, but I don't know how much I could trust a stranger. And to go all the way to Boston for that..."

"Hey, it's just two hours down the road, I've just tried it... and you could stay at my place."

"You are starting to sound suspicious. You just wanna be bunkies again, right? But don't tell me we'll have to share a bed, too!"

"Shut up. Don't worry, I won't let you into my bedroom, but you can have the sofa in the living room. Still much more comfortable than the cots in Korea."

"Deal" said Hawkeye, offering his hand to Trapper. "But only if you visit that psychiatrist, too. I think I'm not the only one who could use some help." 

"Nah, I'm fine" shrugged Trapper. "Sure, that's why you sobbed your heart out just ten minutes ago. Anyway, let's get out of here before I order my third martini of the day."

They left the bar and started to walk towards Hawkeye's house; he wanted to introduce Trapper to his father. After a few silent steps, Hawkeye suddenly stopped and turned to Trapper. 

"Thanks, Trap. Really. Thank you."

"No charge" smiled Trapper. 

"Oh, and before I forget... thanks for the goodbye present. Radar didn't fail to deliver" said Hawkeye, grinning, and gave his friend a big kiss on the cheek. 


End file.
